ablogymous

Trying to be completely honest with your psych about how you feel and how much you want to scream and swear and punch people/yourself in the face but also trying to come across as a normal person because you want them to think you’re kinda cool is really really hard.

No one is ever on my side.
I don’t have friends.
Which isn’t so bad.
The bad part is I thought I did, but the feeling wasn’t mutual.
High hopes are a cunt.
I don’t like to show sadness publicly (thus the anonymity) but sometimes I do wonder if anyone can see it.
Sometimes I wonder if they ever wondered why I’m like this.
I wonder that about people all the time.
I don’t think I’ve ever been terribly rude to anyone for no reason so I don’t understand. 

The hardest part is not cutting, all because I made a promise. It just makes the hardest days even harder. Working with a scalpel at work today triggered this hunger like craving for it.

But I have some hopes from going to the psych every week. On the days where my lows are less intense, I’m able to try on the new perspective and, although it’s hard and has taken a while, it’s starting to make sense of some things. It’s just harder days like today that are hard to crack. I just give up entirely on days like these. It was hard seeing the psych at first because I had no idea where to start or how to make words. It felt like a life time since I had talked to anyone about what’s going on in my life. Well, the negative stuff that is. So the first few sessions he was a little confused but said the journal I kept after the first week was incredibly insightful and it made so much more sense why I was there. But I’m now finding it a lot easy to open up verbally to him now. The hard part is when we reach a nerve where usually I would want to cry, but I keep it together by biting my tongue because crying in front of people I’m not dating just isn’t something I can do. I’m emotionally frigid.

In short; I want to cut/burn more than ever but I’ll have to sleep on it. Hopefully the TV can drown it out. There is no doubt in my mind that if I were not with this person, that I would be cutting frequently. I miss it sometimes, but I kinda love this person and stuff so it’s complicated because I’m bad at emotions.

The last person I want to be is someone who rushes to dramatic conclusions for the sake of being dramatic. For example, if you have trouble sleeping for one or two nights in a week you pass it off as “insomnia” on twitter, while people with real insomnia are going through hell. You call being stressed or worried for a few seconds a “panic attack”. Things like that. Now that I’ve had my suspicions of having social anxiety confirmed by a professional, it makes so much sense now and will make it so much easier to explain to my parents that I’m not an asshole at social occasions, that there is reasoning behind it.

The larger the party, the more panicky I feel. The larger the party and the less people I know, panic doubles. The larger the party and the higher the social status of those around me, fuck. But this also explains to me why I can never be completely comfortable in a one-on-one conversation or just having one friend over or going over to someone’s house and it just being me and that person hanging out. Even if we’re really close friends. But I don’t have many of those. I always feel I need another person around for conversation to fall back on. Otherwise, I don’t know where to put my eyes. If I keep eye contact but have nothing to say, I look creepy. If I look around, I feel like they think I’m rude. I wish I could be interesting on my own. Isn’t that what normal people do? Have a successful conversation with one person and not worry about it? Psych said I refer to other people as normal a lot and asked me “what is normal?” and I didn’t know what to say then but right now I’m thinking “everything I’m not”. Even just writing all this and thinking about these scenarios is making me feel on edge.

Why am I so dependant on my phone? Even if there’s nothing to check on, no one to reply to, I need it in my grip at all times during these situations. I need to be flicking through the menu aimlessly. The glow of the screen makes me feel slightly as ease again, like I’m home.

I want to be thinking better after these sessions.

keystothecity replied to your post: are you ever going to reveal who you are?

how ironic that an anonymous person asked that.

Excellent point! I wonder why they were anon, since i know they don’t know who i am, i’m not going to worry about who they are and what they have to say. Anyone who follows me, feel free to be completely honest with me, I’m like a brick wall.

I went to a psychologist today who confirmed my social anxiety and depression. It felt like closure. He wants me to start a journal and jot down the when’s and where’s of my darkest periods for our next session. He also likes smashing pumpkins. Cool.

I went to the doctor to get a referral for a therapist. She asked me questions in front of my mum which meant I had to confirm to mum that I cut myself. I felt I had to water down my answers because she was next to me, I really should have gone in alone. I have my first appointment with this psych next Friday.

I hope he can help me. It’s so hard to physically word how I feel after years of being repressed in that department. I just want some fucking weed. Someone bring me weed. Fuck.